Monday, January 10, 2011

I should be asleep, I have to work tomorrow. But alas, contrary to what How I Met your Mother says all good things happen after 2 am. It is when people are most introspective.

Once upon a time I was torn between the dichotomy of the Dionysian and Apollonian. Dionysus is of course the god of intoxication, ecstasy, partying. The god of pure sensual pleasure. Apollo in Greek mythology is the god of the Sun, music and poetry. They are the sons of Zeus. In philosphy they represent the ultimate dichotomy. Sensual pleasures versus intelligence. With the Dionysian you forget yourself and become one with your senses and the earth like a wild animal. With the Apollonian you are conceptual, you enjoy higher pleasures, you are learned. In all of philosophy and all of time there has been this dichotomy. And in all of my life I have felt it.

My art has dealt with this alot. This is something I felt alot in art school in particular. My life has been a fight between the two, whether my art would focus on pure expression on canvas or intricately thought out concepts. I could never seem to balance both, and it was a focus of mine to attempt it. And part of attempting it was dealing with the issue itself. I once had a professor that told me she could see this in me, and felt that once I found the perfect balance my art would take off and it would be a very exciting moment.

My life has been like this as well. Trying to decide whether to drink or to read and make art. To overeat or overthink. To run off and be a bohemian who has no care in the world or to go to end up one of those people with their nose up in art galleries talking about symbolism. I love both. I've always been trying to balance.

Now here I am. After I finished my degree I found it harder to identify with the Apollonian in me. Particularly when most of my friends are beginning to do the same. Suddenly all I care about is smoking cigarettes and eating delicious food. And I make it a joke how obsessed I am with these things. It is a running joke that I would wrap anything in bacon and eat it, and that I'm an alcoholic, and I cannot live without a cigarette. But joking is how I deal with the sad fact that the Dionysian is taking over, and not even in the best way. But a weak way. A way of coping out of the Apollonian more than anything.

I think part of my moving to Ontario is trying to recapture the Apollonian in me. To have time to make art and read. To meet people who are intellectual that I can have stimulating conversations with (not that I don't or can't with my friends here, but I feel why would I try to converse about intelligent things when I can crack jokes about how much I love bacon). I guess this is part of this growing up thing I promised myself to do when I decided to move away. It's time.

Alas, as an expression of my Dionysian side, that I am trying to control, here is a comic expressing my love of cigarettes (an ultimate stupid sensual addiction that I can't seem to kick). I was nominated in The Scopes comic contest for this. I drew it myself. Enjoy.

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